louder than

i will love you louder than love
louder than fear in blank blinking cursors
louder than happiness in lemon yellow
louder than noise at places you can’t go.

i will love you louder than love
louder than your fear of my absence
louder than the people
who locked you in metaphors of death
louder than everything you have always lost.

i will love you louder than love
louder than the entirety of the sky
louder than all the stars you’ve stopped watching
louder than all the space between cosmos.

i will love you louder than love
louder than times you’re changing for the worse
louder than the days where the only company is your favorite song
louder than all the nights where you planned your own death.

i will love you louder than the moments we lost
louder than years made of geography
louder than everything in between you and the world.

i will love you louder than love,
louder than the world and
louder than me.


aristotle and dante discover the secrets of the universe // highlighted.

we didn’t talk much. we just lay there and looked up at the stars.

“too much light pollution,” he said.

“too much light pollution,” i answered.


and it seemed to me that dante’s face was a map of the world. a world without any darkness. wow,

wow, a world without any darkness. how beautiful was that?


someday, i would understand my father. someday he would tell me who he was. someday. i hated that word.


i wondered what that was like, to hold someone’s hand. i bet you could sometimes find all of the mysteries of the universe in someone’s hand.


“are you mad at me?”

“a little.”

he sat back down on his bed. he looked sad. i didn’t like seeing him that way. “i’m more mad at myself,” i said. “i always let you talk me into things. it’s not your fault.”

“yeah,” he whispered.

“don’t cry, okay?”

“okay,” he said.

“you’re crying.”

“i’m not.”




i decided that maybe we left each other alone too much. leaving each other alone was killing us.


i wanted to tell them that i’d never had a friend, not ever, not a real one. until dante. i wanted to tell them that i never knew that people like dante existed in the world, people who looked at the stars. i wanted to tell them that he had changed my life and that i would never be the same, not ever. i wanted to tell them that he was the first human being who had ever made me want to talk about the things that scared me.


how could i have ever been ashamed of loving dante quintana?



saint anything by sarah dessen (highlighted)


that’s the thing, though. you always think you want to be noticed. until you are. (chapter one)

my own life felt flat and sad too much of the time; it was reassuring, somehow, to lose myself in someone else’s. (chapter two)

even the worst person had someone who cared about them at some point. (chapter eight)

there’s no shame in trying to make stuff work, is how i see it. it’s better than just accepting the broken. (chapter fourteen)

“i think,” i said, “that the best would be somewhere in between. you know, to be acknowledged without feeling targeted.” (chapter fourteen)

what was due me, then? only tiny seconds where things felt right, just fleeting enough to make me crave more? was that it? i was beginning to think so, that i just couldn’t get what i wanted, that maybe i didn’t even have any idea what that was. (chapter fifteen)

“who is it?” i asked.

“no idea. i found it in a jar my mom has full of them,” he said. “i was looking for one like mine, then just someone i recognized. but then i thought maybe it was cooler to have it be a mystery, you know? so it’s not just about one thing, but anything. that way, it can be about what you want it to be.”

i turned it over in my hand. like the image on the front, the back was well-worn, the few words there unreadable. “saint anything.” i looked up at him. “i love it. thank you.”

in fact, one was watching us right now, somewhere nearby. keeping his distance, knowing she needed me to herself right then, but still, just outside this door. (you’d know this scene if you’ve read the book. i loved this line).

you only really fall apart in front of the people you know can piece you back together. mac and layla were there for me. even if, and especially when, i couldn’t do the same for them.


Me Before You by Jojo Moyes- Parts I bookmarked.


‘I was so furious, you see, that all around me were things that could move and bend and grow and reproduce, and my son- my vital, charismatic, beautiful boy- was just this thing. Immobile, wilted, bloodied, suffering. Their beauty seemed like an obscenity.’




‘You’re having another unnervingly quiet day. What happened to “chatty to the point of vaguely irritating?”

‘Sorry,’ I said.

‘Running Man again? What’s he done now? He hasn’t gone and run off, has he?’


“How could you live each day knowing that you were simply whiling away the days until your own death?”


“That’s remarkably bitter of you, Clark,’ Will said, when I told him. ‘Yes, well, I’ve learnt from the best.’


‘Chill out, Clark. It’s all going to be fine,’ he said.

‘I’m perfectly relaxed. Why would you think I wasn’t?’

‘You’re ridiculously transparent. Plus you’ve chewed off four of your fingernails while you’ve been driving.’ – I love how he knows her so well. And notices her, how he notices all those little things in her which nobody elses does.


‘Not bad,’ I said- because, weirdly, I didn’t want to say how handsome he actually looked.


‘Sometimes, Clark, you are pretty much the only thing that makes me want to get up in the morning.’


‘But it is a bit mad, thinking about loving someone who can’t…you know, love you back.’


A great lump had risen, unbidden, to my throat, and I tried to swallow it. ‘I don’t know. You’ll do anything for attention, Will Traynor. I bet this was all just a- ‘

He closed his eyes, cutting me off in mid- sentence. When he opened them again, they held a hint of an apology. ‘Sorry, Clark. I don’t think I can do witty today.’ – At this part, a single tear rolled down my already red cheeks. I lost it. 


‘Don’t worry,’ I said, trying to keep my voice even. ‘It’s fine. We’ll go some other time.’

‘I’m sorry. I know you were really looking forward to it.’

I placed a hand on his forehead, and smoothed his hair back. ‘Shh. Really. It’s not important. Just get well.’

He closed his eyes with a faint wince. I knew what they said- those lines around his eyes, that resigned expression. They said there wasn’t necessarily going to be another time. They said he thought he would never be well again.


‘How does he look?’

‘Bit better than this morning,’ I said. ‘He had a drink while I was there. Oh, and he said something rude about one of the nurses.’


‘He gets this look in his eye…’ he said. ‘When he’s really sick It’s pretty scary. Like he just…retreats. Like he’s almost not even there.’

‘I know. I hate that look.’


“The world seemed to have stopped.” – Mine did too, Louisa. Mine did, too. 


A bit of me was hoping that Will could hear my voice. A bit of me was hoping his eyes would open above that clear plastic mask, and he would mutter, ‘Clark. Come and sit down for God’s sake. You’re making the place look untidy.’ – This was one of those moments in the book where I was laughing but at the same time I was crying like a baby. Trust me, you wouldn’t want to see me like that.


“As I did so I had to fight a peculiar and rising feeling of panic. A subversive little voice kept rising up inside me, saying, This is how it would feel if he were dead.’ – This description or these three simple lines feels so personal and intimate to me. I read these lines again and again and I start panicking. This is how it feels like if someone I loved would not exist anymore.


‘But I want him to live if he wants to live. If he doesn’t, then by forcing him to carry on, you, me- no matter how much we love him- we become just another shitty bunch of people taking away his choices.’


“I liked the shorthand we seemed to fall into when nobody else was around, the easy intimacy that had sprung up between us. I liked the way he turned his face and looked at me with amusement, like I had somehow turned out to be so much more than he had expected.”


‘Louisa Clark had become, although neither of us said it, our only change of keeping him alive.’- Will’s family counted on her.


‘Not everything in life is about the money, you know.’ – I love this quality in Clark. She doesn’t think about the pay or the money all the time but actually cares about her job and how much she loves doing.


Everyone I knew hated Monday mornings, but I never minded them. – Only Louisa Clark would love Monday mornings.


I am not plain, but I don’t think anyone is ever going to call me beautiful. I don’t have that graceful thing going on. – Same, Louisa.


‘You know, you can only actually help someone who wants to be helped,’


But surely if you loved someone it was your job to stick with them? To help them through the depression? In sickness and in health, and all that?


The thing about being catapulted into a whole new life – or at least, shoved up so hard against someone else’s life that you might as well have your face pressed against their window – is that it forces you to rethink your idea of who you are. Or how you might seem to other people.


‘It’s me.’ When he didn’t respond, I said, ‘Louisa. Am I okay to come in?’ ‘I’m hardly doing the Dance of the Seven Veils.’ – I lost it here. 


There are normal hours, and then there are invalid hours, where time stalls and slips, where life – real life – seems to exist at one remove.


‘No. Stay for a bit. Talk to me.’ – Please don’t ask me why this hits me in the straight center of my chest. 


‘He used to sing me the “Molahonkey Song”.’ ‘The what?’ ‘The “Molahonkey Song”. I used to think everyone knew it.’ ‘Trust me, Clark,’ he murmured, ‘I am a Molahonkey virgin.’


‘How long were you with her?’ ‘Eight, nine months.’ ‘Not that long.’ ‘Long for me.’


‘Is that why you’ve never got married?’ I blinked. ‘I suppose so.’ I didn’t want to say I had never actually been asked.


‘Go on, then, Louisa Clark. Give me your opinions.’ ‘On you?’ He gave a theatrical sigh. ‘Do I have a choice?’


I couldn’t see his mouth, but his eyes creased with faint mirth. I wanted to keep them like that. I wanted him to be happy – for his face to lose that haunted, watchful look. I gabbled. I told jokes. I started to hum. Anything to prolong the moment before he looked grim again.


‘But don’t move. There’s still a bit of tidying up to be done. Possibly an ear to slice.’- One of my favorite parts in the book.



‘Clark, every single place I go to now people look at me like I don’t belong.’ – Oh, Will. 


I stared at the CD cover. ‘I’ll go if you come with me.’ ‘But you won’t go on your own.’ ‘Not a chance.’ We sat there, while he digested this. ‘Jesus, you’re a pain in the arse.’ ‘So you keep telling me.’


‘You look great, Clark,’ he said, quietly. ‘Really.’ – I can literally feel how Will was trying to hide his feelings. Dammit.



I had worked him out now. The best way to get Will to do anything was to tell him you knew he wouldn’t want to. Some obstinate, contrary part of him still couldn’t bear it. – And only Louisa Clark can know Will Traynor the best. 


‘I worked out what would make me happy, and I worked out what I wanted to do, and I trained myself to do the job that would make those two things happen.’ – There’s still so much to learn from Will Traynor.


‘This is your way of telling me I should be doing something far more worthwhile than peeling your potatoes.’ ‘I’m telling you there’s a whole world out there. But that I’d be very grateful if you’d do me some potatoes first.’ He smiled at me, and I couldn’t help but smile back.


‘Is that your disabled man?’ ‘Yes. My boss.’


It’s the fact that when you spend all day in really close proximity to someone, there is no escape from their moods. Or your own.


‘You, Clark,’ he looked down at his hands, ‘are the only person I have felt able to talk to since I ended up in this bloody thing.’


I felt something give, deep inside me. ‘You … are something else, Clark.’ – These little but intimate moments between them, ah. 


I would rather be with you – even the you that you seem to think is diminished – than with anyone else in the world.’


I don’t want you to miss out on all the things someone else could give you. And, selfishly, I don’t want you to look at me one day and feel even the tiniest bit of regret or pity that –’ – SOMEONE STOP CUTTING THE DAMN ONIONS.



‘I know what I said. But I just can’t bear not knowing what’s happening.’ Her face crumpled a little. ‘I can’t bear not knowing how he’s feeling. I can’t bear the fact that I never even got to say goodbye.’


‘I missed you.’ He seemed to relax then. ‘Come over here.’ And then, when I hesitated. ‘Please. Come on. Right here, on the bed. Right next to me.’ – MY HEART.



‘Don’t, Clark,’ he murmured. I felt his lips on my hair. ‘Oh, please. Don’t. Look at me.’ I screwed my eyes shut and shook my head. ‘Look at me. Please.’ I couldn’t. ‘You’re angry. Please. I don’t want to hurt you or make you –’ ‘No … ’ I shook my head again. ‘It’s not that. I don’t want … ’ My cheek was pressed to his chest. ‘I don’t want the last thing you see to be my miserable, blotchy face.’ – CAN SOMEONE PLEASE HUG ME?



love always,



































If you could see me now by Cecelia Ahern (Fav Quotes)

“Ready to paint the world a colour she had yet to invent.” – Cecelia Ahern


“Her silence was worth more to her than a thousand words. In that silence, she had peace and clarity. Apart from during the night, when her own jumbled thoughts would keep her awake, sounding like a thousand voices jumping in, out and interrupting each other so much that she could barely close her eyes.” – Cecelia Ahern


The important thing is not what we look  like but the role we play in our best friend’s life. Friends choose certain friends because that’s the kind of company they are looking for at that specific time, not because they’re the correct height, age or have the right hair colour. It’s not always the case but often there’s a reason why.” – Ivan 


“There are so many other wonderful things that eyes could see if they really focused. Life’s kind of like a painting. A rally bizarre abstract painting. You could look at it and think that all it is is a blur. And you can continue living your life thinking that all it is is a blur. But if you really look at it, really see it, focus on it, and use your imagination, life can become so much more. That painting could be of the sea, the sky, people, buildings, a butterfly on a flower or anything except the blur you were once convinced it was.”
Cecelia Ahern, If You Could See Me Now


“It was always the good people that left, the people that weren’t afraid to smile or to love.”


“She looked at the kind stranger with the blue eyes watching her and saw more care in those eyes than she had in anyone she knew.”


“It’s the extras that make life.”


“How much more can you ask for than life? That’s the gift.”


“It was winter and the dark mornings and evenings draped black velvet over the country.”


“Isn’t it strange how different people can look when you actually look them in the eyes? They suddenly appear to be someone else. If you ask me, it’s true what they say about eyes being the windows to your soul.”


“Two solitary people blowing around in the breeze like dandelion seeds, carrying each other’s wishes.”


“When you drop a glass or a plate to the ground it makes a loud crashing sound. When a window shatters a table leg breaks or when a picture falls off the wall it makes a noise. But as for your heart when that breaks it s completely silent. You would think as it s so important it would make the loudest noise in the whole world or even have some … Read Moresort of ceremonious sound like the gong of a cymbal or the ringing of a bell. But it s silent and you almost wish there was a noise to distract you from the pain. If there is a noise it s internal. It screams and no one can hear it but you. It screams so loud your ears ring and your head aches. It trashes around in your chest like a great white shark caught in the sea it roars like a mother bear whose cub has been taken. That s what it looks like and that s what it sounds like a trashing panicking trapped great big beast roaring like a prisoner to its own emotions. But that s the thing about love no one is untouchable.”


“And the memories that lurked in the dark corner of her mind began to creep ever so slowly into the light.”


“Stars are like people,.. just because they appear to emerge from the same point doesn’t mean that they do. This is an illusion of perspective created by distance. Not all families manage to hold it together,..Everyone moves in different directions. That we all emerge from the same point is a misconception; to travel in different directions is the very nature of every being and every existing thing.”



Insurgent – Fav Quotes (Word Magic)

Like a wild animal, the truth is too powerful to remain caged . —From the Candor faction manifesto


“A few days ago, “Tobias” was a name only I knew, among the Dauntless; it was the piece of himself that he gave me.” – Tris

“Hey,” I say. “Come back.”

“Sorry,” he says, focusing on me again. “It’s just . . .”

“Fascinating. Yeah, I know. You always look like someone’s sucked the life right out of you when something fascinates you.” He laughs. – Tris and Caleb 


And sometimes, if you want the truth, you have to demand it. – Tris


If this continues I will break apart, and maybe that would be better, maybe it would be better to shatter and bear nothing. – Tris


“Sleep,” he says. “I’ll fight the bad dreams off if they come to get you.”

“With what?”

“My bare hands, obviously.” – Tris and Tobias ( My Favorite quote)


“Sometimes,” he says, sliding his arm across my shoulders, “people just want to be happy, even if it’s not real.” – Tobias


Sometimes grief doesn’t make much sense. – Tris


“Hello.” She walks around the table, surveying him. “You look older.” “Yes, well. The passage of time tends to do that to a person.” – Evelyn


“Sometimes drastic change requires drastic measures.” – Evelyn


My eyes burn. I have tried not to think of that moment, when I thought he was lost to me and that I would soon be dead, when all I wanted was to feel his heartbeat. I try not to think of it now; I blink the tears from my eyes. – Tris


And who really cares if you flash people your underwear, as long as you’re kicking the crap out of them? – Marlene


“No matter how long you train someone to be brave, you never know if they are or not until something real happens.” – Marlene



I keep staring.


I finally look at him.

“I just don’t want to lose you.” – Tris and Tobias


He sits next to me and puts his arm on the back of my chair, leaning close. I don’t stare back—I refuse to stare back. I stare back. Dark eyes—a peculiar shade of blue, somehow capable of shutting the rest of the cafeteria out, of comforting me and also of reminding me that we are farther away from each other than I want us to be. – Tris


“You’re too important to just . . . die.” He shakes his head. – Tobias


I feel a stab of pain in my chest as I lie to him. “Okay.”

“Promise,” he says, frowning.

The pain becomes an ache, spreads everywhere—all mixed together, guilt and terror and longing. “I promise.” – Tris and Tobias 


“You die, I die too.” – Tobias (see! He’s a sweetheart )


“Fear,” she says, “is more powerful than pain. – Jeanine


Grief is not as heavy as guilt, but it takes more away from you. – Tris


I can pretend to be brave, but I’m not. – Tris ( Don’t we all pretend?)


But maybe that is Tobias—when he’s supposed to be weak, he’s strong. – Tris ( Another reason to love Tobias )


“I’ll be your family now,” he says. – Tobias (Another reason another reason )


People, I have discovered, are layers and layers of secrets. You believe you know them, that you understand them, but their motives are always hidden from you, buried in their own hearts. You will never know them, but sometimes you decide to trust them. – Tris


“Do remember, though, that sometimes the people you oppress become mightier than you would like.” – Johanna






“Those who want power and get it live in terror of losing it.” – Beatrice’s father

“I believe in ordinary acts of bravery, in the courage that drives one person to stand up for another.” – Will

“The first time is always the hardest.”– Four

“But becoming fearless isn’t the point. That’s impossible. It’s learning how to control your fear, and how to be free from it, that’s the point.” – Four

“He is not sweet or gentle or particularly kind. But he is smart and brave, and even though he saved me, he treated me like I was strong. That is all I need to know.” – Tris

I like the above quote because something dawned on me while reading this part. It is that, if you’re good in the competition which is also against your friends, they think that you do want to beat them and that you don’t love them. But if you do bad, they judge you and treat you as a weak person. The world is such a confusing place. Bleh.

“Peter would probably throw a part if I stopped breathing.” “Well,” he says, “I would only go if there was cake.”

“Why do people want to pretend that death is sleep? It isn’t.” – Tris

“Fear doesn’t shut you down; it wakes you up. I’ve seen it. It’s fascinating.” – Four

“Maybe. Maybe there’s more we all could have done,” he says, ” but we just have to let the guilt remind us to do better next time.”

“We have each other memorized” – Tris

“Sometimes it isn’t fighting that’s brave, it’s facing the death you know is coming. I sob into the glass. I’m not afraid of dying, but I want to die a different way, any other way.” – Tris

“Sometimes pain is for the greater good.” – Marcus ( douche) 

“Human beings as a whole cannot be good for long before the bad creeps back in and poisons us again.” – Tris’ mother



The Fault in our Stars- Fav Quotes (Word Magic)

“As he read, I fell in love the way you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once.” – Hazel Grace Lancaster


“My thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellations.”- Augustus Waters


“Sometimes, you read a book and it fills you with this weird evangelical zeal, and you become convinced that the shattered world will never be put back together unless and until all living humans read the book.” – Hazel Grace Lancaster


“I’m in love with you,” he said quietly.

“Augustus,” I said.

“I am,” he said. He was staring at me, and I could see the corners of his eyes crinkling. “I’m in love with you, and I’m not in the business of denying myself the simple pleasure of saying true things. I’m in love with you, and I know that love is just a shout into the void, and that oblivion is inevitable, and that we’re all doomed and that there will come a day when all our labor has been returned to dust, and I know the sun will swallow the only earth we’ll ever have, and I am in love with you.”


“You don’t get to choose if you get hurt in this world…but you do have some say in who hurts you. I like my choices.” – Hazel Grace Lancaster


“Some infinities are bigger than other infinities.” – Peter Van Houten


“What a slut time is. She screws everybody.” – Peter Van Houten


“There are infinite numbers between 0 and 1. There’s .1 and .12 and .112 and an infinite collection of others. Of course, there is a bigger infinite set of numbers between 0 and 2, or between 0 and a million. Some infinities are bigger than other infinities. A writer we used to like taught us that. There are days, many of them, when I resent the size of my unbounded set. I want more numbers than I’m likely to get, and God, I want more numbers for Augustus Waters than he got. But, Gus, my love, I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. You gave me a forever within the numbered days, and I’m grateful.” – Hazel Grace Lancaster


“Oh, I wouldn’t mind, Hazel Grace. It would be a privilege to have my heart broken by you.” – Augustus Waters


“Some people don’t understand the promises they’re making when they make them,” I said.

“Right, of course. But you keep the promise anyway. That’s what love is. Love is keeping the promise anyway.”


“The world is not a wish-granting factory.”  – Augustus Waters


“May I see you again?” he asked. There was an endearing nervousness in his voice.

I smiled. “Sure.”

“Tomorrow?” he asked.

“Patience, grasshopper,” I counseled. “You don’t want to seem overeager.

“Right, that’s why I said tomorrow,” he said. “I want to see you again tonight. But I’m willing to wait all night and much of tomorrow.” I rolled my eyes. “I’m serious,” he said.

“You don’t even know me,” I said. I grabbed the book from the center console. “How about I call you when I finish this?”

“But you don’t even have my phone number,” he said.

“I strongly suspect you wrote it in this book.”

He broke out into that goofy smile. “And you say we don’t know each other.”


“Maybe ‘okay’ will be our ‘always” – Augustus Waters


“You realize that trying to keep your distance from me will not lessen my affection for you. All efforts to save me from you will fail.” – Augustus Waters


“I’m a grenade and at some point I’m going to blow up and I would like to minimize the casualties, okay?”- Hazel Grace Lancaster


“Because you are beautiful. I enjoy looking at beautiful people, and I decided a while ago not to deny myself the simpler pleasures of existence” – Augustus Waters






Looking for Alaska- Fav Quotes (Word Magic)

“Because you simply cannot draw these things out forever. At some point, you just pull off the Band-Aid and it hurts, but then it’s over and you’re relieved.” – Miles “Pudge” Halter (Page 13, Paperback UK Cover)

“He- that’s Simón Bolívar- was shaken by the overwhelming revelation that the headlong race between his misfortunes and his dreams was at that moment reaching the finish line. The rest was darkness. ‘Damn it,’ he sighed. ‘How will I ever get out of this labyrinth?'” – Alaska Young ( Page 27, Paperback UK Cover)

“I may die young,” she said, “but at least I’ll die smart. Now, back to tangents.” – Alaska Young ( Page 66, Paperback UK Cover)

“Jesus, I’m not going to be one of those people who sits around talking about what they’re gonna do. I’m just going to do it. Imagining the future is a kind of nostalgia. You spend your whole life stuck in the labyrinth, thinking about how you’ll escape it one day, and how awesome it will be, and imagining that future keeps you going, but you never do it. You just use the future to escape the present.” – Alaska Young ( Page 68-69, Paperback UK Cover) 

“I just did some calculations and I’ve been able to determine that you’re full of shit.” – Chip “The Colonel” Martin (Page 97, Paperback UK Cover)

“I’m just scared of ghosts, Pudge. And home is full of them.” – Alaska Young ( Page 99, Paperback UK Cover)

“If people were rain, I was drizzle and she was a hurricane.” – Miles “Pudge” Halter (Page 109, Paperback UK Cover)

“I found myself thinking about President William McKinley, the third American president to be assassinated. He lived for several days after he was shot, and towards the end, his wife started crying and screaming, “I want to go too! I want to go too!” And with his last measure of strength, McKinley turned to her and spoke his last words: “We are all going.” – Miles “Pudge” Halter (Page 146, Paperback UK Cover)

“That is the fear: I have lost something important, and I cannot find it, and I need it. It is fear like if someone lost his glasses and went to the glasses store and they told him that the world had run out of glasses and he would just have to do without.” – Miles “Pudge” Halter (Page 173, Paperback UK Cover)

“What is an “instant” death anyway? How long is an instant? Is it one second? Ten? The pain of those seconds must have been awful as her heart burst and her lungs collapsed and there was no air and no blood to her brain and only raw panic. What the hell is instant? Nothing is instant. Instant rice takes five minutes, instant pudding an hour. I doubt that an instant of blinding pain feels particularly instantaneous.” – Miles “Pudge” Halter (Page 175, Paperback UK Cover)

“How will I ever get out of this labyrinth? Straight and fast.” – Alaska Young ( Page 186, Paperback UK Cover)


“After all this time, it still seems to me like straight and fast is the only way out- but I choose the labyrinth. The labyrinth blows, but I choose it.” – Chip “The Colonel” Martin (Page 257, Paperback UK Cover)

“I’m sorry. I know you loved her. It was hard not to.” – Takumi Hikohito ( Page 259, Paperback UK Cover)

Before I got here, I thought for a long time that the way out of the labyrinth was to pretend that it did not exist, to build a small, self-sufficient world in a back corner of the endless maze and to pretend that I was not lost, but home. But that only led to a lonely life accompanied by only the last words of the already-dead, so I came here looking for a Great Perhaps, for real friends and a more-than-minor life. And then I screwed up and he screwed up and we screwed up and she slipped through our fingers. And there’s no sugar-coating it: She deserved better friends.

When she ****** up, all those years ago, just a little girl terrified into paralysis, she collapsed into the enigma of herself. And I could have done that, but I saw where it led for her. So I still believe in the Great Perhaps, and I can believe in it in spite of having lost her.

Because I will forget her, yes. That which came together will fall apart imperceptibly slowly, and I will forget, but she will forgive my forgetting, just as I forgive her for forgetting me and him and everyone but herself and her mom in those last moments she spent as a person. I know now that she forgives me for being dumb and scared and doing the dumb and scared thing. I know she forgives me, just as her mother forgives her. And here’s how I know:

I thought at first that she was dead. Just darkness. Just a body being eaten by bugs. I thought about her a lot like that, as something’s meal. What was her – green eyes, half a smirk, the soft curves of her legs – would soon be nothing, just the bones I never saw. I thought about the slow process of becoming bone and then fossil and then coal that will, in millions of years, be mined by humans of the future, and how they would heat their homes with her, and then she would be smoke blowing out of some smokestack, coating the atmosphere. I still think that, sometimes, think that maybe ‘the afterlife’ is just something we made up to ease the pain of loss, to make our time in the labyrinth bearable. Maybe she was just matter, and matter gets recycled.

But ultimately I do not believe tat she was only matter. The rest of her must be recycled, too. I believe now that we are greater than the sum of our parts. If you take her genetic code and you add her life experiences and the relationships she had with people, and then you take the size and shape of her body, you do not get her. There is something else entirely. There is a part of her greater than the sum of her knowable parts. And that part has to go somewhere, because it cannot be destroyed.

Although no one will ever accuse me of being much of a science student, one thing I learned from science class is that energy is never created and never destroyed. And if she took her own life, that is the hope I wish I could have given her. Forgetting her mother, failing her mother and her friends and herself – those are awful things, but she did need to fold into herself and self-destruct. Those awful things are survivable, because we are as indestructible as we believe ourselves to be. When adults say, “Teenagers think they are invincible” with that sly, stupid smile on their faces, they don’t know how right they are. We need never be hopeless, because we can never be irreparably broken. We think that we are invincible because we are. We cannot be born, and we cannot die. Like all energy, we can only change shapes and sizes and manifestations. They forget that when they get old. They get scared of losing and failing. But that part of us great than the sum of our parts cannot begin and cannot end, and so it cannot fail.

So I know she forgives me, just as I forgive her. Thomas Edison’s last words were: “It’s very beautiful over there.” I don’t know where there is, but I believe it’s somewhere, and I hope it’s beautiful. – Miles “Pudge” Halter (Page 260-263, Paperback UK Cover)