01:46 pm

i want someone to notice
i want someone to see how it is here
how i’m just another metaphor for a garbage bin
on the far end of the street
i want someone to hold me in the right place
and tell me that i’m going to be okay
i want someone to see how it is
how it really is
that i’m not exaggerating
that i’m not okay
that i’m trying really hard to keep myself alive right now
that i don’t know how not to stay alive
that everything is chaotic right now
i can’t listen to my own breathing
everyone is screaming
everything is screaming
and i’m terribly claustrophobic
but i want to lock myself in the smallest box i could find
close my ears tight
and i don’t know how to end this poetry
if it’s okay to end poetry in the middle of a sentence
but i don’t know how to
i just want to look at you and smile ma
i just want to sit in the same room as everybody else
i just want to talk about how my brother called me today
or how we went to a movie together
i just want to talk to somebody at this house
about today’s breakfast
i just want to ask when’s dinner
when i’m hungry
and not be scared to.

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16.09.2017

at 7 am today, a boy flew 945 miles and some to surprise a girl he calls Christmas.
and yesterday, he called it, Christmas Eve.
I was talking with the boy at 2 am, asking him if he’s counting the hours like it was Christmas and he told me he did. he told me it felt like Christmas Eve.
and her, Christmas herself.
it had been one year since they held each other’s hand because it turned out they had to walk along grave roads if they had to give each other flowers.
or if they had to share mint flavored ice cream.
so they loved through the mail from 2015 to 2017, the boy sending the girl bracelets made of cobalt blue stones, and her, she used to have trouble going to the post office because she gets lost asking for directions.
but she sent him love made out of postcards showing the places she didn’t visit.
like the place, he was in, and she wasn’t.
So today, I gave the girl a map with directions to the airport and when he arrived, holding a bouquet full of happiness and not flowers made out of paper, he brought with him the first plane ticket he bought for a place he really loved.

a place resembling a person.

and I took a Polaroid picture of them.
I wrote under it,

christmas in summer.

 

12:10 am

it’s been a while since I’ve woken up happy in this house.
i fall asleep and I don’t even know when i fall asleep then i have this dumb thing I do. i have nightmares every day, it’s like we’re friends now. so whenever i wake up feeling scared shitless, i check my pulse. it gives me a sort of reassurance and repeatedly check my pulse and then i sigh knowing that I’m still here. then i usually stay up till 6 in the morning listening to the same old playlists i create for myself and then i wake up sad. i literally wake up feeling like everything’s so fucked up and i have no idea what my purpose is on this planet. or i have this instant panic attack and then i think about how fucked up it is to literally wake up feeling anxious. I’m anxious right now writing this. my pen feels like Genghis Khan right now.
so it’s been a while, waking up happy.
but then i tell myself that it’s just two years and I’ll be out of this place and this mind or maybe
i just can’t do mornings.
see?

22nd august, 2017

around 4 in the morning, i woke up with cold sweat and a terrible terrible headache. i had a nightmare again and this time i didn’t even try to remember it. i didn’t want to. i don’t want to anymore.
so i tried to listen to a song i listen to whenever i have a nightmare and i tried to talk to someone but obviously, everyone was asleep so i just looked outside the window listening to the song and it was raining plus chilly so i fell asleep around 6. and i overslept. till 10 am and i missed college.

i had an anxiety attack in the afternoon. it was so bad that i couldn’t even tie my shoe laces. i couldn’t find the way to my room. i couldn’t breathe and i felt like i was dying. also, mental note, do not try to take a shower when you’re having an anxiety attack. so when i couldn’t breathe and i had no idea what was going around me, i went into the showers and tried to take a cold shower because as dumb as i am, i thought it might give me a shock and distract me from whatever was going on inside my mind. but then mental note mental note, i felt horrible. i felt claustrophobic and i literally couldn’t differentiate between hot and cold water. that’s how fucked up anxiety is.

but anyway, i felt okay till i went to work and i did some work, i had a million cups of coffee, i was doing fine. until my cab driver started acting like crazy.

i texted people i trusted in case i got, i don’t know killed or something but all it comes down to is, NO ONE FUCKING GIVES A SHIT. but anyway, people suck. including cab drivers. he almost drove me to another city because apparently, there was another rider he had to pick up. but the crazy part was i did not choose to pool the cab with anyone. and then he started shouting at me and cursing in some stupid ridiculous language and more than scared, i was so fucking angry. because for starters, i was starving and this guy decides to go all suspiciously murderous on me and then i called up their head office and confirmed my destination.

i reported him. of course.

so now i’m home and i’m inches away from a mental breakdown about how i’m ruining people’s lives with my irritable life.

good day.

 

how to grow flowers.

let’s make the sun a metaphor for love and you, the sunflower.

you have to fight for everything you love. you have to tell people you love them often. when they need it the most. when they’re sitting at the edge of their bed and they can’t listen to their favorite song anymore because it brings back something bad. it’s okay. tell them it’s okay. tell them that they should listen to it. tell them to keep everything they love so close, there’ll be no space for anything gray. but also tell them you love them when they don’t need it at all. because you were born to give so much love, it’s meant to shine outwards like sunbeams. you are here and you know it’s okay to love everything too much. you’re going to be there for the people you love even when the porch light is off.

you cannot give up on people. it’s like deciding to not turn on the lights in your house one day because the sun’s going to be around anyway. wait. wait for something you want so badly, you’ve bruised your knuckles hitting the wall because it’s taking too long. some things always take a little too long, don’t they?

be patient. this is very important. you cannot walk away because they’re so sad, you cannot walk away because they’re in a bad place and you’re not, you cannot walk away from their rough day when you had an almost perfect day, you cannot walk away from them if you want everything to be symmetrical to you. there’s no symmetry in love. you can’t just walk away from a mess. don’t fix their mess. they will do it. everyone sorts out their mess eventually. it’s like cleaning your room, you know? one day you just throw your old pair of jeans on the bed and then you wake up one morning and your feet are tangled in it and then you realize it was your favorite pair of jeans. you don’t want to throw it away anymore.

don’t be selfish. when they’re talking all excited and happy, their eyes are so bright you can’t stop smiling, listen to them. maybe you’re the only one who is. maybe you’re the first person they called to tell that they found twenty bucks in their pocket and they’re so excited, they’re jumping in the air. when someone tells you first that they’re happy about something, have you thought how lucky you are? that they picked up their phone to call someone, and they first thought of you?
be excited for them. be happy for them. maybe you’re the only one who can be.

you know when you can’t tell anyone that you’re crying in the bathroom with a towel inside your mouth because they just watched a movie they really loved or went to the beach watching seagulls and they just had a really good day, but you’re crying so much it feels like death, and your chest is really heavy, because you can’t be selfish, i know that. i know how it feels. and it’s terrible. but it works both ways. it’s really important to understand and accept that it’s not always the colorful part of the spectrum and happiness are just not a permanent concept in the theory of love. it’s okay to vent out to anyone you think who is there for you on any lane in your good or bad place. if you trust them enough to not walk away from you when you’re crying dark tears, you might have just found something so precious it’ll be horrible if you lose it.

and everything i’ve ever written comes down to one thing i believe in the most.

to give love, always. to believe in love. to always, always, choose to fight for something and someone you love. i don’t know if it’ll be worth it because sometimes you make mistakes loving the wrong thing or wrong person and it might bring out terrible consequences but you don’t throw out the pair of jeans because you just assume it won’t fit you, right? you keep it.

because, you can’t take a sunflower at dusk, stand on an empty lane, look up to the sky and make the flower grow when there’s no sun.

5:33 pm

i think the reason i let things affect me so much is that i let everything i feel, shine outwardly towards people. and it’s a good thing and a bad one at the same time, you know?
if you showed me some of the poetry you wrote and you asked me the next day what i thought about it, i will tell you that i read it seven times and each time, i cried.
if you shared your sandwich with me, i will tell you that I loved it another five times.
i will constantly tell you i love you.
and sometimes, people just brush away the things people care for too much or show love too much.
because i constantly tell you that you might like my favorite song and I’ll try to make you listen to it everyday, I’ll try, and you will listen to it, and I’ll keep telling you my favorite part in it, where Kurt Cobain finally finishes the verse with the word love but what if it’s just another song in your playlist but i wanted it to be
our song?

reasons i might be a bad girlfriend / reasons you might not want to date me

i’ve never written such a bad post as this but everything is very honest so meh.

disclaimer: i have super self-respect and all.

  1. i’m super super super clingy.
  2. your friends might not like me :)))))
  3. i do not like fancy restaurant dates. i HATE FANCY DATES OR RESTAURANTS OR ANYTHING WHICH INVOLVES PICKING UP MY FORK TO EAT A FRENCH FRY OR ANY RESTAURANT THAT DOES NOT SERVE FRENCH FRIES. i like them small. i’d rather sit at home on a couch or go outside and get a burger king crown with you. or two.
  4. i’m a very bad influence. and i won’t feel guilty about it.
  5. i am very very very messy and disorganized. i can’t handle anything too perfect or organized or in place.
  6. super bad mind and body coordination.
  7. i’m outrageously stubborn. i’m stuck in my own head. i hate myself for being a bad listener.
  8. i’m very loud and i talk way too much. but i’m awkward and boring on the phone.
  9. i’m boring
  10. i don’t make plans
  11. i have major anxiety and depression disorder. i have sleep paralysis episodes. i’m insomniac. breather. i’m a fucking mess. i’m literally mental.
  12. i’m irritating
  13. if you (my boyyyyyyyyfriend :))) ) want to do something which is totally not logical but if it makes you happy i’d support you because i’m totally dumb because WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I BE SO CONTROLLING I MEAN DUDES ARE FUCKING INDEPENDENT AND EVERYTHING and i don’t know man, is a girlfriend supposed to advise or like tell him the logical part of everything but i don’t know.
  14. if you’re having a bad day and want to be alone, i’d let you be, but i will bug you till i make sure you have an okay day and i will NEVER try to fix it, but i WILL do ANYTHING to just i don’t know be there?
  15. i think i don’t give people space
  16. i keep on ranting
  17. i never never try to listen to others. i’m always bragging about stuff, or complaining, or too sad and morbid, and it’s always about me.
  18. i whine
  19. i take way too many dumb decisions
  20. a good girlfriend always tries to make someone happy? i don’t, i guess
  21. i’m not uh pretty
  22. i don’t do makeup
  23. i HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE TO CARRY THOSE FANCY HANDBAGS OR PURSES AROUND LIKE WHERE THE FUCK DO YOU KEEP YOUR BOOK YOU KNOW?
  24. I DON’T PARTY
  25. I AM NOT POPULAR
  26. FUCK I’M NOT EVEN COOL
  27. FUCK WHY CAN’T FANCY GIRLS LIKE ME
  28. FUCK WHY AM I SO PATHETIC
  29. I’M DUMB
  30. I CANNOT DO GOSSIP MAN
  31. CANNOT HANDLE TOO GIRLY STUFF
  32. VERY VERY STRAIGHTFORWARD
  33. WILL TELL YOU THAT I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH ALL THE FUCKING TIME
  34. i do weird shit all the time
  35. big time nerd
  36. reason no 36
  37. reason no 37

 

 

 

changing perceptions on persons with disabilities

this is something I wrote for an internship.

 

The literal definition of the word ‘disability’ says; a physical or mental condition that limits a person’s movements, senses, or activities.

 

To any normal person, this is the only definition that stays in mind. The limit exists and is very real while considering what ‘disabled’ people can do.

 

As I was reading the very definition of disability, I look at Raju, a dancer and very proud to call him a dancer at that, pulling off the most graceful dance moves I’ve ever seen, from a wheelchair.

 

The school beside my house has a student Manisha and when everybody says that she can’t read the entire textbook of Biology like the other students do, she sings beautifully.

 

The entire concept of perspectives on Persons with Disabilities has always been kind of daft. People, with anything in this world, do not like to explore what’s beyond the literal sense of any concept or idea. Most of us, let’s be real, very rarely look at a person with a disability and not be keen on installing the idea of pity in our minds.

 

It’s as if, the words DISABILITY and PITY are so synonymous with each other but they are also extreme antonyms for very few people who like to consider the fact that every person who exists can do absolutely brilliant things out of their league of judgment by people.

 

To keep a few thoughts in the circle of changing perceptions of persons with disabilities, I like to go way beyond our regular imagination and theories and put into the theme of thought that; the first step goes in making the word DISABILITY become a strong but not a vague one for everyone around the persons fighting that and the persons themselves.

 

If not for the opinions in our mind that they can’t do things which ‘normal’ people CAN do, we could go a long way in helping these people find out what they can do with what they’ve been given.

 

In the cliché of clichés, all we can do apart from avoiding the judgment of these people is giving them a chance to prove themselves. Encouragement plays a very crucial part in bringing out the best in someone and it’s a fair statement at that.

 

Changing perceptions of persons with disabilities include so many points in this loop of perspectives that it comes back to our main concept of treating the disabilities as the strong factors and the persons with ‘disabilities’ as persons with very unusual but impactful blessings to do things in life with something that has been taken away from them.

 

11:24 am

i don’t know whom to talk about this.

i miss having a brother. i know he’s right there in the next room, but i miss him so much it hurts bad. i miss talking to him about wimpy kid. i miss being treated like family from him. he resembles my father too much and it scares me because i’m paralysed when i have to act like the elder sibling. the worst part is, however, i’m scared of him. i’m scared of my brother. sometimes i think that maybe, he just he might not understand what he’s saying or doing, but i miss just. i don’t know. i don’t know anything anymore. i’m scared of being in the same room as him because i’m scared that he might say something about the panic attack i had in the morning. when i wanted to go to his cricket tournament this morning, he said he didn’t want me there. and all these little things are killing me and i don’t want to take this anymore. i don’t think i can. sometimes, i go to his room just to look at his walls and i don’t see the posters we owned together. no one understands me in this. i can’t talk about this to anybody because he’s my brother right? i’m just so scared and i feel horribly alone in all of this. he gets away with everything, he knocked down all of my bookshelves, he burned my journals because he thought it was fun, he gave me back all i gave him, the cassettes, the video games, the books, because he doesn’t want them anymore, because he goes along with my mother, and i know he can get away because i’m the older sibling, i just thought that, i just wanted some respect. at least a little consideration that i’m his sister. i’m not even angry anymore. i just go along with it. i’m tired and i go routinely to the storage room and cry because i’m scared of him finding out i’m crying because then, i become weaker in his eyes. i don’t want to cry anymore because i hate the storage room. it’s closed tightly, i can’t breathe and i’m claustrophobic.

maybe, i’m just using the storage room as a metaphor for everything in my life.

holy shit i’m nervous.

19441660_1921648114719847_5599429770397195454_o.jpg

okay.

so.

the address is: 1st Floor, Hotel Unicontinental, Road Number 3, Khar West, Mumbai, Maharashtra 400052

i’ll be performing two pieces. my first poem which i wrote in sixth grade and the other my recent.

i’m extremely nervous and i don’t think i’m nervous for the actual performance but that this was something on my bucket list. to perform in bombay, my poetry.

and i’m also a little sad that there’s no one who’s going to be there in the audience and outside, for me, and i asked my mother if she could come, and she said no, and i just, i wish there was someone in the crowd i knew.

but anyway, i think if i could just get through without falling on my face on the stage or having a huge panic attack, i’m going to be okay.

I AM SO FKIN NERVOUS.